Heartbroken

Pain is a powerful thing. It roars and gnaws at you. As it increases, it overpowers you, and as you lay in the depths of despair, you are at crossroads. One side of you wants to fight, and another wants to give up and drift off to a happy place. A place void of suffering, discomfort and anguish.

Warrior is a term used to describe a brave or experienced fighter. Women living with Endometriosis are warriors. They fight invisible battles every day. They paddle like ducks, trying to stay afloat in a sea of despair. They dabble between wanting to stay in bed, all day, every day, and trying to live in purpose. They give themselves endless pep talks and flood their pillows with tears when they get overwhelmed. They pop pills like popcorn, and struggle with pain and symptoms unspoken.

They fight. Most times they win. But, sometimes they lose.

When you are living with chronic pain feeling alone is the order of the day. It is difficult to find someone who gets you. When you do, you cling to them like an infant monkey hangs on her mama. Thanks to the internet, there is a strong and growing endo community out there. The pain of Endometriosis has brought women from different backgrounds together. As you interact with other warriors you realize that you are not alone. Sometimes you wail like a baby when you read their stories. Overall, you connect with women you’d otherwise never have met, and you love. Oh, you love them.

The Endo community is heartbroken. This week we lost an endo-warrior, Allison Kimberly. A beautiful endo warrior who didn’t get the treatment she needed when she went to the hospital.

We Are Heartbroken

Our hearts are broken. We’ve lost one of our own. We are hurting. We are vulnerable and we need many things. We need our loved ones to believe us. We need our medical care service providers to help us when we say that we are in pain. We need to hear that we matter. We need a cure.

Even a warrior gets exhausted. Some days it’s harder to paddle. Some days it’s harder to smile. Some days we just need a break.

Today, I am saying a prayer for all Endo-warriors who are in pain- physical and emotional pain – that you may experience God’s peace, and healing. If you need someone to talk to, please send me an email via yellowendoflower@gmail.com.

May Allison’s soul rest in eternal peace.

Again we ask: please believe us and please help us.

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Tattletale

My body is not very good at keeping secrets. I had a conversation with a friend recently about water consumption. She said that she doesn’t drink water everyday yet her skin is so smooth and supple. I was astonished. If I don’t drink at least two liters of water everyday you will see it on my lips and face.

My body is such a tattletale.

I’ve stopped viewing this as a bad thing and I am making it work out for my good. I use my face as a yard stick to see how well I am doing in the hydration and nutrition department.

My Body Is A Tattletale

It’s easy to forget to drink water when I am busy so I’ve had to be very intentional about it. I carry a bottle of water with me. I rarely drink soft drinks and have one cup of tea a day. If I’m thirsty I drink water. If I’m bored I drink water.

My body has in turn thanked me. I am not constipated ( can I hear a ‘hooray’ from all the Endo warriors?). I get less Urinary Tract Infections. My lips are not chapped and the acne on my face is clearing up, albeit a bit slowly. I feel like I could break into a song and dance as I think about just how far I’ve come. It’s truly a miracle.

I’m learning to celebrate my victories, regardless of their size. I may not be where I would like to be, But I am definitely not where I used to be.

Infusing my water with lemon has really helped. Lemon water helps with many of the side effects of Endometriosis such as cravings, nausea, indigestion, constipation, inflammation and allergies. It also helps to cleanse the liver.

I’m grateful that my body is a tattletale, it keeps me in check.

 

 

 

Fight and Shine

There is no shortcut to treating Endometriosis. Nope, non at all. You have to put in work, and try different pain management strategies. The truth is some may work and others may not work as well. Endometriosis affects different women differently. In the same way, one treatment method may work for one woman and give another woman -a hell on earth- experience.

The first time I looked at the Endometriosis diet I concluded that all I could eat was air. My diet at the time was predominantly made up of everything that I ‘wasn’t’ supposed to eat. I was conflicted between wanting to be pain free and needing to eat for comfort.

It was hard. Every thing about that season was difficult. I felt as though Endo was taking too much away from me – first my ability to perform and then my comfort food. What was a girl to do?

It had never occurred to me that I was an addict. I was addicted to the bad foods. My body was in serious pain but I couldn’t comprehend how I would survive without my staple foods. Coffee without milk seemed like a bad dream. Sugar-free tea seemed like a punishment, and my body needed a reprieve.

DEAR eNDO wARRIOR,ONE DAY YOU WILL FIND WHAT WORKS!

A lot has changed since then, I am stronger and wiser now. I have tried many things: hormones, pain killers and diet changes. Through the process the question that I have learned to ask is, ‘ How does this form of treatment make me feel?’. The first couple of days of quitting wheat made me feel depressed, foggy and sluggish. Earlier in the journey, I would throw in the towel on the third day because the headaches were driving me nuts. Little did I know that freedom from wheat lay a few days down the road.

There is no one-size-fits-all treatment. What one woman sings at the top of her lungs works, may have you crawling on the cold floor in regret. Take the advice and suggestions that you receive with a pinch of salt. Do your research, pray and then give it a go.

Hormonal acne has humbled me. It has taught me that not everything I try will work. And I have tried lots of things. I remember one time, I read that if you apply your morning urine on your face, your acne will disappear. The good Lord saved me from trying out that option, through it crossed my mind severally. But I have tried neem soap and lotion, shea butter, tomato juice, potatoes, lemon, honey, yogurt, steroids, black soap, coconut oil, olive oil, almond oil, sandal wood, turmeric, apple cider vinegar, rose water, lots of cleansers and moisturizers. Phew, that’s a mouthful but I’ve tried many things and most of them have not worked. I’m still here, hopeful that I will find what works.

I’m now trying to treat it from the inside-out. I’m diligently taking my morning elixir  which consists of ACV, honey and cinnamon in warm water. I’m using bentonite clay on my face, we have to thank God for this gem, it works. I’m drinking lots of water and I have cut out dairy from my diet.

I won’t stop trying. I believe that one day, God willing, I will hit the jackpot.

Hang in there, dear warrior. Keep trying, keep fighting and keep shining.

Ess

 

Listening To The Whispers

Conversation is food for the soul. Having insightful conversations refreshes me. I enjoy listening out for details, chiming in and processing the information later. It never occurred to me that my body would try and communicate with me at any one time. I used to saunter through life without a clue that the pain and symptoms were my body’s way of trying to get my attention.

Hormones are powerful little things, trust me, I have learned the hard way. Puberty humbled me enough to respecting these chemicals. From the acne that wouldn’t go away to the Endometriosis symptoms; my body was constantly trying to tell me that my hormones were imbalanced but I was too distracted to listen. I screeched to a stop in my passive tracks when I couldn’t walk because of the pain.

Pain is the body’s way of saying, ‘Help me!’. Excruciating pain has taught me that I need to listen to my body when it whispers before it screams and I can’t walk anymore.

2020 SummerPet Picnic!

Over the years I’ve discovered that it’s difficult to identify abnormal symptoms when you don’t have a baseline to work with. Finding the baseline takes time. One has to listen to their bodies daily and take note of the symptoms and emotions.

I’m kinder to my body now. I’ve chosen to be deliberate as I listen to her speak. I take note of the symptoms that I experience after eating food, experiencing stressful seasons, being on medication, and using beauty and cleaning products.

It has helped me feel more in control. I’m able to avoid pitfalls and the pain that results from bad diet and lifestyle decisions.  I have managed to be constipation free through watching my diet. After years of experiencing pain and discomfort, I can eat and have a bowel movement without tears and the help of softeners.

I have learned to pay attention to the whispers so that I won’t be paralyzed by the screams.

 

Drowning On Dry Land

I have struggled with chronic fatigue for half of my life. It’s one of the perks of having Endo. On top of being inflamed 60 percent of the time, you have to deal with being tired all of the time. There is nothing exciting about feeling sluggish, in fact, it’s hard to be excited about anything.

Seven years ago, a friend of mine was tired of hearing me say how fatigued I was day after day, so she gently told me, “Ess, you needed to suck it up and find another response. Perhaps you need to pray a little harder.” Deep within, I was sad that I couldn’t shake off the feeling. It wasn’t just in my head, it was in every fiber of my being. I felt like on top of losing to my period every month, I was losing to life every single day. I was drowning on dry land.

Drowning onDry Land

The thing about living with an invisible disease is that you hear all sorts of comments minus the sensitivity your heart desires. I was told to pray some more because Endo is a curse, exercise because endorphins would do me some good, and find a shrink because it was all in my head. I tried all three strategies, but I have had to change my approach over the years.

There is a desperation that comes with being sick, you can try anything. I stopped judging people who go to witch doctors for help because of sickness or believe in seemingly skewed doctrines. When pain and despair threaten to tear you apart cell by cell, you become desperate enough to believe in a higher power’s ability to save you from drowning and dying slowly.

To combat the fatigue and sluggishness, I am using Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV). I have one tablespoon of ACV in warm water with honey, lemon, and cinnamon every morning and my energy levels are off the charts. I’m a little energizer bunny, I actually wake up excited to to see the day.

I’m still fighting other battles but I am definitely not drowning on dry land.

Ess