The Endo Blues ~ Battling With Depression

I thought I was losing my mind. Instead of feeling better after the laparoscopic surgery I was feeling worse. Granted there was no pain in my abdomen, but I felt like a sedated prisoner in my own body. I desperately wanted to fight, but I was often too tired or sleepy and disinterested.

Getting out of bed was difficult, leaving the house felt impossible. I remember I would cut two pieces of paper, write ‘Yes’ on one of them and ‘No’ on the other and then pick one with my eyes closed. As I picked, I prayed that I would pick a ‘No’ so that I wouldn’t have to leave the house. Sometimes the voice inside overrode the ‘Yes’ I had picked and I would stay at home.

I was depressed, and I had no idea.

The hormonal treatment to treat Endo combined with Endo had hurled me into a dark corner, burdened my shoulders and I was forced to surrender. There was no happiness. There was no joy. Laughter was a mystery. I dragged my feet as I walked, and wondered why the nights were so short. I slept but never felt energized, and desperately wished that this aspect could manifest itself physically.

My doctor was only looking out for the physical implications of the disease. Not once did he ever ask how I was doing, psychologically and emotionally. Perhaps it wasn’t his place, but he could have brought someone to the table to shed some light on that aspect.

The Endo BluesBattling with depression.png

I was nineteen and lost at the big blue sea. I was drowning on dry land. I was fighting phsycially and paddling to stay alive. I hated it. I cried bitter tears, if we wrung my pillow we’d fill a bucket or two.

I felt alone.

I was told to pray, and I prayed. The blues, well, they remained, the dark shades made way for the lighter hues. And as time went by, I begun to see the sun in my sky. I begun to feel the warmth of it’s rays on my skin. I knew that I would be okay.

My heart goes out to Endo warriors who are grappling with this darkness. You are not alone. You do not have to walk alone. If you would like to talk to a professional please call Faith on 0737861671. She has graciously agreed to help Endo warriors navigate these choppy waters at a discounted rate.

You can reach me via yellowendoflower@gmail.com

You are not alone.

 

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One comment

  1. Faith Osiro · May 16

    Very well written piece Ess. “That place” is way too familiar to most of us. Thank you for continuing to bring hope to endo sisters.

    Thanks also for giving out my contacts for those who may want to walk with a professional counsellor in their seasons through dark blue sea. I am passionate about facilitating mental wellness for fellow endo warriors because it makes us stronger to cope with the physical (physiological) struggles!

    Liked by 1 person

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