Hope in A World Of Endo

During a recent visit to my mum’s house I found my pelvic scans dated 9 years ago.

I froze.

One picture unearthed memories. Memories of pain, confusion and despair.
I had archived those memories, so that I could live in the present and enjoy my here and now.

Out of three ultrasounds only one showed something that helped the doctor see that the pain was not all in my head. The other two scans, were the basis of the ‘it’s all in your head’ argument. The most frustrating and infuriating words that can be said to anyone in pain. Anyone battling real, physical, and invisible pain.

During those months, I was scared, alone and in pain. Those make for a horrible combination. One that can push you to accept everything at face value. I didn’t know about the endometriosis resource centers or support groups. My sleuthing skills were in too much pain to be bothered to do more research on the drugs being administered.

image: art by carrie joy

When the side effects came, I wasn’t sure which evil was worse, the one I had lived with for years or the one that I had willingly had pushed in to my glute. It was a literal pain in my butt. And some of its effects have stuck with me like glue. Nine years later it is hard to shake ‘em off.

I wish I knew what I know now about Lupron. I wish I knew that after sending aunt flo on vacation, it would erode my bone density; that it would sink me into a hole, that it would announce free room and board for every calorie looking for a home. That it would take over 5 years to lose that weight. That the sadness would overwhelm me. That I would experience menopause symptoms as a teen.

Just maybe, maybe if I knew all this, I would have made a more informed decision. I would have taken my calcium supplements, I would have sought help and not drowned in tubs of ice cream.

Information is power. Endo sucks! But it would sure be nice to know exactly what else you could be signing up for when you take a drug. I’ll be highlighting the drugs available in Kenya, and giving you the pros and cons of each.

Finally, we need excision surgery in Kenya. That is what hope in the dark world of endo looks like, excision. And healing, by God’s grace.

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More colour, Less Gray

Happy new year!

I hope you had a lovely festive season.

For a long time I was indifferent to new years, the only new thing that it came with was an opportunity for me to wail in pain. In fact, a few years back I was convinced that the older I got the more excruciating the pain became. I longed to find the pause button in life, so that I could sift out the things that I loved and dwell on them.

Pain has a way of changing your life, it shifts your priorities and erases the rainbow in the sky. Both your happy and sad moments are processed through a gray-scale filter.

I still haven’t found the pause button but I have accepted that each year has it’s own beauty that I can dwell on. I am learning to live each day at a time and to remain grateful. Gratitude can illuminate the darkest of paths.

The truth is we don’t know what 2019 will hold, (I am not here to tell you that 2019 is your year…) but we know who holds it. While some curve balls may roll in our direction, I pray that we will experience the grace, peace, strength, joy and love that come from above. And that despite the pain, the rainbows will remain.

Here’s to 2019. A year of living life and finding joy in the little things.