Endo Prayers: I Need You

Dear Lord,

I need you.

There are so many things that I could say, but my words fail me. The weight of my heart is weighing me down. The words unspoken, sap my strength. You see the cries of my heart even before I mouth them. You know all things, you see all things, you are able to do ALL things.

Endo Prayers_ When I Feel Misunderstood (5).png

Lord, I ask you to help me feel you even in this state of being overwhelmed. As I feel like it’s me against the world: I stare at the pain, hospital bills, the societal expectations, my own expectations of myself and I feel weak. Unable to move.

You see the battle within, the fight of my life to try and stay afloat when I feel like a boulder in the deep, wallowing in the blues.

Wrap me in your arms. Remind me of your promises. Speak to me again.

Help those who feel like me, help them know that they are not alone.

In Jesus name, I pray and believe,

Amen

 

Advertisements

Energy Forecasting With Endometriosis

There are days I have the energy to change the world and other days that I want to put the world on pause and sleep. The latter is especially when Aunty Flo is in town. I usually have no motivation to do anything. I just want to sleep, but life, oh life must go on.

Fatigue is like a leech that sucks the life out of you. Sometimes I think that I am draining more than just blood; my mental energy is usually at an all-time low, and the desire to do things that I normally would is at zero.

571 Werninger St.,Houston, TX.png

One day in December I woke up running on reserves and on that day a simple thing like wearing earrings felt like so much work. A few years ago, this would have seemed so strange and out of character for me, now it is (almost) a non-issue. After I had children, I stopped wearing small earrings, to reduce the items that they could choke on, I miss how light and pretty they were. Now, when I do wear earrings, I wear big ones, that tend to make me feel like I am lifting weights using my earlobes. God forbid they get stuck on something, or better still, my Ky yanks them.

As I am more self-aware and seeing the pattern in my life, I am learning to plan ahead and forecast my energy. There are days that I have energy coursing through my veins and those are the days that I write books and put things in order, and there are other days that I have to access my reserves to try and make it through the day. Especially when Auntie Flo is in town, she has a way of depleting my energy even before it comes to the surface.

My energy graph would be high when I am not on my period or close to my period and (almost) non-existent when I am on my period. During those days I only do what is absolutely necessary, the funnel I use to decide is pretty small, so doing my hair and wearing earrings seem like too much work.

For these days I plan ahead to have help, especially with the girls, I sleep, oh, I sleep, this is my current symptom of Endometriosis, a wave of sleep that will not go until I enter bed for a couple of hours. I (try to) eat well, so as to keep my energy up and avoid constipation, Auntie Flo and constipation make for a horrible duo. I do my hair a few days before to avoid walking around looking like I came in to close contact with high voltage and wear simple outfits that do not need matching or ironing, long live dresses. I think about my meal plan in advance, otherwise, we will eat the same thing every day, because the energy is limited to surviving. Anything that needs order and analytical skills is avoided during this time.

I am grateful for a good support system, my husband and daughters are so understanding when it comes to these couple of days. I desire to increase my energy levels so that is a work in progress, but good planning is definately working in my favor.

 

 

 

 

Post-Valentines Love

Aunty Flo ruined red for me, she was such a drama queen, who wanted to use my whole life as her runway as she strutted her stuff. Red for me was a reminder that she was coming into town, and that meant my life would change, I should have adjusted and adapted since her visit was periodical ( pun intended) but it still shook me every time. She was always EXTRA, robbing me subtly until she decided it was not worth hiding and did it in plain sight.

Then came Endo, Aunty Flo’s sidekick who refused to leave. She was like a leech, going in for blood; a permanent guest with terrible manners, hogging all that was mine and redefining me to myself. I was moody, understandably so, and irrational. My relationships suffered, and it was hard to give love when I felt like I was hemorrhaging the essence of who I was.

Post-Valentines.png

The thing about living with pain is that sometimes you miss out on celebrating special days, because of pain, fatigue and/or other complications. When you are finally well enough to celebrate the after-party clean up has already been done.

This Valentines (week), we are taking time to celebrate the MVPs who are constant through the pain, those who are present, pillars of strength, voices of encouragement, bearers of hope even when they do not fully understand the pain that we undergo.

For those who help us feel like roses: soft, beautiful, vulnerable, dainty and precious, when in reality we feel like thorn bushes,  horrible to be around, offensive, not the best to look at and dull.

We celebrate you and we thank God for you. Thank you for being in our lives and loving us. Our journeys are a little easier because of you.

Endo Prayers: Missing Out On Opportunities

Endo Prayers_ When I Feel Misunderstood (4).png

Dear Lord,

My heart is heavy, burdened by the weight of all the opportunities that I have had to say ‘No’ to because of the pain and discomfort. Many times I am willing to take up great projects but my energy levels fail me. The pain overwhelms me. I fail myself.

Please help to be patient with myself, to do the things that I can in this season, and to find the silver lining in the midst of the storm. Grant me your contentment, joy, and peace to get through this.

In your time, please give me other opportunities to be there for those that I love, to do the things that I love and to be the person that I would have loved to be.

In Jesus name, I pray and believe,

Amen

Endo Prayer: When My Cycle is Erratic

Endo Prayers_ When I Feel Misunderstood (3).png

Dear Lord,

I can’t seem to understand my body. My period cycle is everything but predictable. My hormones are all over the place and this is affecting my life as a whole.

I’m struggling with feelings of anger, and I feel like I am losing control over my emotions and my body as well. When my periods come, the flow is irregular and the duration fluctuates from month to month.

Please help my hormone levels to become balanced. Help my body to have a predictable cycle. Please forgive me for the things that I have said and done as I have used this state as an excuse.

Reveal to me the things that I need to do and stop doing to help my hormone levels get back to normal. You knit me in my mother’s womb and I know that nothing is too difficult for you. Revert my hormones to the optimum levels.

In Jesus name, I pray and believe,

Amen

 

Endo Prayer: Struggling With Lifestyle Changes

 

Endo Prayers_ When I Feel Misunderstood (1).pngDear Lord,

It’s February and I haven’t been able to sustain the lifestyle changes that I set out to make. I’m discouraged because I feel like I keep disappointing myself. I can give excuses but deep within I know that I have been my greatest barrier.

Lord, please help me to see myself through your eyes. To love every part of my being. And to see these changes as a good thing, not a punishment, so that I do them out of a place of love.

Give me divine wisdom to know what to do, help me find what will work for my body. Change my attitude as I do this.

Strengthen me and renew my resolve to be kinder to myself in all that I do, to eat well and exercise. Help me to be a good steward of the body that you have given me. Even in the moments of pain, help me to see that you are right there with me.

In Jesus name, I pray and believe,

Amen

Endo Prayers: I Feel Misunderstood

Endo Prayers_ When I Feel Misunderstood.png

Dear Lord,

This is hard. My tears have become my food and I feel as though I am falling apart. The pain is not only during my periods but all through my cycle and I do not know how to explain it to those around me.

Though I look okay on the outside, I am caving in on the inside, and I feel alone. Hurtful statements have been said by those around me, some of which have pierced the little space that Endo isn’t already crunching on. The pain has multiplied.

Lord, you see my heart and my inner being. Please give me peace, strength, and understanding. Help the pain to go away because I feel like I’m clutching at straws. Help me to love even though I am hurting.

For those around me, I pray that you will help them to see the pain beneath my smile, help them to be more understanding and kinder in their speech.

May you be glorified in and through this.

 

In Jesus name I pray and believe,

Amen

Stories Wanted!

Never underestimate the power of a story. It has the power to transport, transform, reassure and encourage.

ur family is growing. (1).png

This March,  I would like to share an Endo story every day to help raise awareness for Endometriosis.

ur family is growing..png

Let us show the world that you do not have to look a certain way to have Endo. That the beauty and fragrance of the rose do not take away the prick of the thorn, it still hurts.

If you would like to share your story please send me an email via yellowendoflower@gmail.com and I will be in touch.

Thanksies.

Endo Prayer: When I Feel Overwhelmed

There’s a dark valley that the Endo journey plummeted me into. In that space, I have struggled to keep hope alive, stay positive and pray.

I’m not where I used to be, but because I know no-one is immune to the darkness and the feelings and thoughts that come when in that place, I will be writing Endo-prayers, little prayers that you can whisper when you feel like an assortment of emotions.

Some days have been harder than others, but there in the darkness, I have seen a glimmer of light and hope. I know that even in the difficult moments, God is there.

Here is the first prayer:

Dear God,

I thank you because you formed me in my mama’s womb. There is no part of me that you do not know. You see all of my organs and see where the Endo cells have carved out a home.

I feel overwhelmed, and sometimes so helpless because I’m struggling to understand your plan in this place of pain. I desperately long to see Your face in this phase, but It’s hard to focus when my tears are all I see.

Please comfort me and ease the pain. Remind me of your love for me.

In Jesus name I pray and believe,

Amen

Blessings!

If you need to talk, or a sounding board, you can send me an email via yellowendoflower@gmail.com

5 Ways To Navigate The Endo Inspired Energy Rollercoaster

I seem to have found the spring in my step. Some mornings I wake up feeling like an Energizer bunny, it is such a good yet surreal feeling. One of the aspects that I hate about Endo is how it hampers with energy levels.

I went from being an energetic teen to a mostly-tired human being. Sometimes the fatigue was physical, other times it was mental, but it was altogether overwhelming. I’d wake up in the morning after an 8-hour sleep feeling like I had been digging all night with interval naps on a bed of thorns. An exhaustion where even your skin is tired. It is hard to glow when you feel so tired. It is hard to be excited about anything when your whole being is just focused on mere survival, no thriving, just living.

Over the last year, I have found a few things that have helped me navigate this tumultuous journey.

  • Keep a Period Diary

My period diary has shown me that my cycle affects my energy levels. This has been so critical to understanding my body has also helped me be kinder to myself and prepare in advance. Putting systems in place to help me on my low energy days makes them more manageable. I am most exhausted when I’m on my period, on day 1 a flood of sleep sweeps over my being. Once I have slept, I wake up feeling brand new.

I have more energy to arrange and do administrative work after my periods, so I schedule such tasks after my period and prepare for this low energy phase by doing them in advance.

  • Check your weight

After I took Lupride, my limited level of energy diminished, I was now getting energy from my reserves. I was surviving on the morsels. Meagre tasks felt like they were so much work to do. Pregnancy caused my weight to yo-yo and the hormonal imbalance also took a toll on my energy. I didn’t look overweight, but I felt so heavy.

Now that I have lost some weight, I am feeling more energetic. Ready to get back to an active lifestyle this year.

  • Check your diet

The fastest way to deplete my energy is to eat too many carbs. My body is in a somewhat complicated relationship with wheat. It tolerates it in small quantities if I have too much of it, I bloat, get cranky, fatigued, constipated and get canker sores. That is a horrible combination.

My pick me up drink is ACV, it has been so invigorating, though my three-year-old daughter is so high-nosed about my elixir. I wake up early to drink it in peace because, in her words, ‘it stinks’, but I love it. The benefits far outweigh the bad smell. It’s an energy drink sans the hidden sugars, preservatives, and palpitations.

  • Avoiding mental stress and fatigue

We often underestimate the effect that mental and emotional stress has on the body. The body and the mind are connected, when you feel drained emotionally you may also feel physically fatigued.

There are days I have woken up after 10 hours of sleep, physically rested but mentally exhausted, which means still unable to perform the tasks that I need to do. I am more sensitive to my emotions because they affect how much energy I have at my disposal.

  • Find something that fills you

Self-care is absolutely important. When you are fatigued it is hard to do things for yourself, but these small things are great pick-me-ups.

I am writing a list of the things that make me happy so that I can plan to do more of these things and fill my cup. You can’t pour out of an empty cup, when you fill yourself then you have something to give.

Here’s to more energized and happy days.