Endo Prayers: I Need You

Dear Lord,

I need you.

There are so many things that I could say, but my words fail me. The weight of my heart is weighing me down. The words unspoken, sap my strength. You see the cries of my heart even before I mouth them. You know all things, you see all things, you are able to do ALL things.

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Lord, I ask you to help me feel you even in this state of being overwhelmed. As I feel like it’s me against the world: I stare at the pain, hospital bills, the societal expectations, my own expectations of myself and I feel weak. Unable to move.

You see the battle within, the fight of my life to try and stay afloat when I feel like a boulder in the deep, wallowing in the blues.

Wrap me in your arms. Remind me of your promises. Speak to me again.

Help those who feel like me, help them know that they are not alone.

In Jesus name, I pray and believe,

Amen

 

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Endo Prayer: Struggling With Lifestyle Changes

 

Endo Prayers_ When I Feel Misunderstood (1).pngDear Lord,

It’s February and I haven’t been able to sustain the lifestyle changes that I set out to make. I’m discouraged because I feel like I keep disappointing myself. I can give excuses but deep within I know that I have been my greatest barrier.

Lord, please help me to see myself through your eyes. To love every part of my being. And to see these changes as a good thing, not a punishment, so that I do them out of a place of love.

Give me divine wisdom to know what to do, help me find what will work for my body. Change my attitude as I do this.

Strengthen me and renew my resolve to be kinder to myself in all that I do, to eat well and exercise. Help me to be a good steward of the body that you have given me. Even in the moments of pain, help me to see that you are right there with me.

In Jesus name, I pray and believe,

Amen

Stories Wanted!

Never underestimate the power of a story. It has the power to transport, transform, reassure and encourage.

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This March,  I would like to share an Endo story every day to help raise awareness for Endometriosis.

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Let us show the world that you do not have to look a certain way to have Endo. That the beauty and fragrance of the rose do not take away the prick of the thorn, it still hurts.

If you would like to share your story please send me an email via yellowendoflower@gmail.com and I will be in touch.

Thanksies.

Heartbroken

Pain is a powerful thing. It roars and gnaws at you. As it increases, it overpowers you, and as you lay in the depths of despair, you are at crossroads. One side of you wants to fight, and another wants to give up and drift off to a happy place. A place void of suffering, discomfort and anguish.

Warrior is a term used to describe a brave or experienced fighter. Women living with Endometriosis are warriors. They fight invisible battles every day. They paddle like ducks, trying to stay afloat in a sea of despair. They dabble between wanting to stay in bed, all day, every day, and trying to live in purpose. They give themselves endless pep talks and flood their pillows with tears when they get overwhelmed. They pop pills like popcorn, and struggle with pain and symptoms unspoken.

They fight. Most times they win. But, sometimes they lose.

When you are living with chronic pain feeling alone is the order of the day. It is difficult to find someone who gets you. When you do, you cling to them like an infant monkey hangs on her mama. Thanks to the internet, there is a strong and growing endo community out there. The pain of Endometriosis has brought women from different backgrounds together. As you interact with other warriors you realize that you are not alone. Sometimes you wail like a baby when you read their stories. Overall, you connect with women you’d otherwise never have met, and you love. Oh, you love them.

The Endo community is heartbroken. This week we lost an endo-warrior, Allison Kimberly. A beautiful endo warrior who didn’t get the treatment she needed when she went to the hospital.

We Are Heartbroken

Our hearts are broken. We’ve lost one of our own. We are hurting. We are vulnerable and we need many things. We need our loved ones to believe us. We need our medical care service providers to help us when we say that we are in pain. We need to hear that we matter. We need a cure.

Even a warrior gets exhausted. Some days it’s harder to paddle. Some days it’s harder to smile. Some days we just need a break.

Today, I am saying a prayer for all Endo-warriors who are in pain- physical and emotional pain – that you may experience God’s peace, and healing. If you need someone to talk to, please send me an email via yellowendoflower@gmail.com.

May Allison’s soul rest in eternal peace.

Again we ask: please believe us and please help us.

Fight and Shine

There is no shortcut to treating Endometriosis. Nope, non at all. You have to put in work, and try different pain management strategies. The truth is some may work and others may not work as well. Endometriosis affects different women differently. In the same way, one treatment method may work for one woman and give another woman -a hell on earth- experience.

The first time I looked at the Endometriosis diet I concluded that all I could eat was air. My diet at the time was predominantly made up of everything that I ‘wasn’t’ supposed to eat. I was conflicted between wanting to be pain free and needing to eat for comfort.

It was hard. Every thing about that season was difficult. I felt as though Endo was taking too much away from me – first my ability to perform and then my comfort food. What was a girl to do?

It had never occurred to me that I was an addict. I was addicted to the bad foods. My body was in serious pain but I couldn’t comprehend how I would survive without my staple foods. Coffee without milk seemed like a bad dream. Sugar-free tea seemed like a punishment, and my body needed a reprieve.

DEAR eNDO wARRIOR,ONE DAY YOU WILL FIND WHAT WORKS!

A lot has changed since then, I am stronger and wiser now. I have tried many things: hormones, pain killers and diet changes. Through the process the question that I have learned to ask is, ‘ How does this form of treatment make me feel?’. The first couple of days of quitting wheat made me feel depressed, foggy and sluggish. Earlier in the journey, I would throw in the towel on the third day because the headaches were driving me nuts. Little did I know that freedom from wheat lay a few days down the road.

There is no one-size-fits-all treatment. What one woman sings at the top of her lungs works, may have you crawling on the cold floor in regret. Take the advice and suggestions that you receive with a pinch of salt. Do your research, pray and then give it a go.

Hormonal acne has humbled me. It has taught me that not everything I try will work. And I have tried lots of things. I remember one time, I read that if you apply your morning urine on your face, your acne will disappear. The good Lord saved me from trying out that option, through it crossed my mind severally. But I have tried neem soap and lotion, shea butter, tomato juice, potatoes, lemon, honey, yogurt, steroids, black soap, coconut oil, olive oil, almond oil, sandal wood, turmeric, apple cider vinegar, rose water, lots of cleansers and moisturizers. Phew, that’s a mouthful but I’ve tried many things and most of them have not worked. I’m still here, hopeful that I will find what works.

I’m now trying to treat it from the inside-out. I’m diligently taking my morning elixir  which consists of ACV, honey and cinnamon in warm water. I’m using bentonite clay on my face, we have to thank God for this gem, it works. I’m drinking lots of water and I have cut out dairy from my diet.

I won’t stop trying. I believe that one day, God willing, I will hit the jackpot.

Hang in there, dear warrior. Keep trying, keep fighting and keep shining.

Ess

 

Listening To The Whispers

Conversation is food for the soul. Having insightful conversations refreshes me. I enjoy listening out for details, chiming in and processing the information later. It never occurred to me that my body would try and communicate with me at any one time. I used to saunter through life without a clue that the pain and symptoms were my body’s way of trying to get my attention.

Hormones are powerful little things, trust me, I have learned the hard way. Puberty humbled me enough to respecting these chemicals. From the acne that wouldn’t go away to the Endometriosis symptoms; my body was constantly trying to tell me that my hormones were imbalanced but I was too distracted to listen. I screeched to a stop in my passive tracks when I couldn’t walk because of the pain.

Pain is the body’s way of saying, ‘Help me!’. Excruciating pain has taught me that I need to listen to my body when it whispers before it screams and I can’t walk anymore.

2020 SummerPet Picnic!

Over the years I’ve discovered that it’s difficult to identify abnormal symptoms when you don’t have a baseline to work with. Finding the baseline takes time. One has to listen to their bodies daily and take note of the symptoms and emotions.

I’m kinder to my body now. I’ve chosen to be deliberate as I listen to her speak. I take note of the symptoms that I experience after eating food, experiencing stressful seasons, being on medication, and using beauty and cleaning products.

It has helped me feel more in control. I’m able to avoid pitfalls and the pain that results from bad diet and lifestyle decisions.  I have managed to be constipation free through watching my diet. After years of experiencing pain and discomfort, I can eat and have a bowel movement without tears and the help of softeners.

I have learned to pay attention to the whispers so that I won’t be paralyzed by the screams.

 

Drowning On Dry Land

I have struggled with chronic fatigue for half of my life. It’s one of the perks of having Endo. On top of being inflamed 60 percent of the time, you have to deal with being tired all of the time. There is nothing exciting about feeling sluggish, in fact, it’s hard to be excited about anything.

Seven years ago, a friend of mine was tired of hearing me say how fatigued I was day after day, so she gently told me, “Ess, you needed to suck it up and find another response. Perhaps you need to pray a little harder.” Deep within, I was sad that I couldn’t shake off the feeling. It wasn’t just in my head, it was in every fiber of my being. I felt like on top of losing to my period every month, I was losing to life every single day. I was drowning on dry land.

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The thing about living with an invisible disease is that you hear all sorts of comments minus the sensitivity your heart desires. I was told to pray some more because Endo is a curse, exercise because endorphins would do me some good, and find a shrink because it was all in my head. I tried all three strategies, but I have had to change my approach over the years.

There is a desperation that comes with being sick, you can try anything. I stopped judging people who go to witch doctors for help because of sickness or believe in seemingly skewed doctrines. When pain and despair threaten to tear you apart cell by cell, you become desperate enough to believe in a higher power’s ability to save you from drowning and dying slowly.

To combat the fatigue and sluggishness, I am using Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV). I have one tablespoon of ACV in warm water with honey, lemon, and cinnamon every morning and my energy levels are off the charts. I’m a little energizer bunny, I actually wake up excited to to see the day.

I’m still fighting other battles but I am definitely not drowning on dry land.

Ess

The Cheat Meal Is Just Not Worth The Pain

When I moved to Mombasa, there are two things that I absolutely enjoyed, going to the beach and eating the local cuisine. I just couldn’t get enough of the mitais, mahamris and biriani. My body on the other hand, was not too pleased. If anything, it was having a hard time processing the wheat, sugar and high amount of fat. My face looked like rocky terrain, it was screaming ‘You need to stop!’ but my taste buds were in a mini-heaven. And my taste buds were boss. So I kept struggling.

From a tender age I had bouts of constipation. This was made worse by the Endometriosis adhesion that were on my large intestine. When I moved to Mombasa, it got worse. My diet was perfect for constipation. So I would eat happily and then wail in the bathroom. Each and every day. In retrospect it seems like madness.

The Cheat Mealis Just NotWorth the Pain

Then one day, I had enough! I decided that though the mahamris and mitais were tasty, they were just not worth the pain I felt when I pooped or the pain during and after my periods.  Nothing was worth that pain and I needed to start saying ‘NO’ to my taste buds.

Over the last two weeks, I’ve had conversation with Endo warriors who told me that the food that they avoid (wheat and dairy)  is just not worth the pain that they feel when they eat them. They’ve both felt the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

Is the cheat meal worth the pain that you feel? Is it worth the hours spent in the bathroom, praying, trusting and hoping that the pain will end? Is it worth the pain during and after the periods?

I’ve asked myself these questions and my resounding answer is NO!!

What has your food and pain journey been like?

Blessings,

Ess

 

The Diary Of A Kenyan Endo Warrior: The Game-Changer: The Day I Couldn’t Walk Anymore

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Dear Diary,

By the time I was 17 years old, I was pretty much used to painful and dramatic periods. I had somewhat accepted it as my lot. What else could I do? In those days I seldom heard of anyone going to hospital for painful periods. We resulted to be being amateur pharmacists. In retrospect that was SHEER. FOLLY!

All was well-ish until the day pain paralyzed me in the heart of Nairobi city while on Moi Avenue near a stall selling jewelry. That was scary. My body was overcome by such a sharp pain on the left side of my abdomen. I couldn’t walk and could hardly breathe. I felt hot, a warmth covered my body. I was scared yet I had to put on my brave face on, because the city center is not a place to show your fear when you can’t move.

I inched towards the jewelry stall and sat. God bless the woman who helped me with a seat. She tried to ask me what was going on but I was as clueless as she was. My abdomen was hot and I was balancing tears. Minutes felt like hours as I waited for the wave to pass. When it finally did, I got a matatu and went to school. By this time I was already late for my class. I walked as fast as I could to the school clinic and met the ever patient Dr. Jack. He believed me, he didn’t look at me like I was crazy.

He gave me a place to rest and then treated me for a bad Urinary Tract Infection. After a course of antibiotics, painkillers and urine alkalizer, the pain subsided; only for a few days.

Till next time,

Blessings,

Ess

5 Things To Do Before You Start An Endo Diet

A few years after I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, I found the Endo diet. It was nice to look at, but it was so much work. it meant giving up all that I knew, and so I started it for a short while, then I quickly fell off the bandwagon because I had not taken certain things into consideration.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve seen many women asking about the diet, and I thought I’d share some tips that I’ve learned over the years.

First off, IT WORKS! For the Endo warrior wondering if changing your diet makes a difference, well, it does, It may not reduce the pain completely but it makes you feel so much better.

5 things to do before starting an Endo Diet

 

Before you start the diet, I’d encourage you to:

1) Read about the diet

Do your research about the diet and internalize why you need to reduce the intake of certain foods. Understand the hormonal balance that you are trying to attain using food. When you begin to view food as medicine, it changes your thought process when you are serving food on your plate.

2) Know what you are dealing with

Endometriosis cannot be treated in isolation. Look back at your medical history and identify any food allergies and take them into consideration. What is good for one woman may not be great for you. If you have Irritable Bowel Syndrome or Ulcers, be sure to avoid any trigger foods that may seem healthy.

3) Make a plan

What they should tell you is that eating clean is not easy, Nah! It isn’t. It takes hard work, planning and self control. The food you are supposed to avoid is so easily accessible. Wheat products, taste and smell so good. They are affordable too, well in the short run.

If you want to be successful, you need to plan your meals in advance. Anticipate hunger. Find restaurants that serve foods that you can eat and enjoy. Look for locally accessible food substitutes. The ingredients that you read about online, may be costly. Remember that food is medicine.

Make your food exciting, eating clean doesn’t have to mean eating boring food.

4) Keep a food and feeling diary

The first couple of days, it is easy to get discouraged especially because you feel horrible being off wheat, dairy, soy and caffeine ( they are the popular ones).

Keep a food diary that allows you to write what you eat and how feel physically and emotionally each day. Remember that you may see results immediately, but you shouldn’t write it off until you’ve tried it for 2 months.

5) Love on yourself

Enjoy the journey. Invest in yourself, speak kind words to yourself. The battle is won in the mind, so you can’t expect to succeed in the eating department if you constantly belittle and doubt yourself. Love yourself for who you are and where you are at. View the diet change as something you are doing for yourself, not necessarily because the doctor or friend suggested it.

Some days we fall off, but we have to get back up. If food has been a crutch, try and find a new activity to do.

All in all, I wish you the very best. If you have any questions, please feel free to send me an email via yellowendoflower@gmail.com

Blessings,

Ess