Endo Prayers: I Need You

Dear Lord,

I need you.

There are so many things that I could say, but my words fail me. The weight of my heart is weighing me down. The words unspoken, sap my strength. You see the cries of my heart even before I mouth them. You know all things, you see all things, you are able to do ALL things.

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Lord, I ask you to help me feel you even in this state of being overwhelmed. As I feel like it’s me against the world: I stare at the pain, hospital bills, the societal expectations, my own expectations of myself and I feel weak. Unable to move.

You see the battle within, the fight of my life to try and stay afloat when I feel like a boulder in the deep, wallowing in the blues.

Wrap me in your arms. Remind me of your promises. Speak to me again.

Help those who feel like me, help them know that they are not alone.

In Jesus name, I pray and believe,

Amen

 

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Drowning On Dry Land

I have struggled with chronic fatigue for half of my life. It’s one of the perks of having Endo. On top of being inflamed 60 percent of the time, you have to deal with being tired all of the time. There is nothing exciting about feeling sluggish, in fact, it’s hard to be excited about anything.

Seven years ago, a friend of mine was tired of hearing me say how fatigued I was day after day, so she gently told me, “Ess, you needed to suck it up and find another response. Perhaps you need to pray a little harder.” Deep within, I was sad that I couldn’t shake off the feeling. It wasn’t just in my head, it was in every fiber of my being. I felt like on top of losing to my period every month, I was losing to life every single day. I was drowning on dry land.

Drowning onDry Land

The thing about living with an invisible disease is that you hear all sorts of comments minus the sensitivity your heart desires. I was told to pray some more because Endo is a curse, exercise because endorphins would do me some good, and find a shrink because it was all in my head. I tried all three strategies, but I have had to change my approach over the years.

There is a desperation that comes with being sick, you can try anything. I stopped judging people who go to witch doctors for help because of sickness or believe in seemingly skewed doctrines. When pain and despair threaten to tear you apart cell by cell, you become desperate enough to believe in a higher power’s ability to save you from drowning and dying slowly.

To combat the fatigue and sluggishness, I am using Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV). I have one tablespoon of ACV in warm water with honey, lemon, and cinnamon every morning and my energy levels are off the charts. I’m a little energizer bunny, I actually wake up excited to to see the day.

I’m still fighting other battles but I am definitely not drowning on dry land.

Ess